Healing A Father Wound

“A father to the fatherless…is God in his holy dwelling.”

Psalm 68:5

 

                I’ve been counseling people for twenty years; seventeen of them as a believer, and without a doubt, the number one issue I’ve had to address with my clients is FATHER WOUNDS.  As a result, many men and women have struggled with their identity, their esteem, and most importantly, their relationship with (or lack thereof) with God.

                To understand how we come to view God, let me explain something to you. As we grow up we develop core beliefs about God, ourselves and others in two ways; one is called prevailing circumstances, which have to do with the day-to-day relationships we had with people like our family, friends, teachers, church, etc.; the other one is called traumatic circumstances, which include, but are not limited to; neglect, abuse, trauma, divorce of our parents, death of a friend or loved one, etc.  Once again, the combination of these two circumstances make up what we really believe about ourselves, God and others.

                If you were raised in a home where your father was abusive, neglectful, absent due to divorce, sickness, death or excessive work, or a dad who was present physically, but had an addiction that made him emotionally and mentally unavailable, or other similar circumstances, then you grew up with a dad-size wound in your heart that only a healthy, loving, physically and emotionally present dad could fill. As a result, not including any other issues within your family, you likely have fear of being rejected or abandoned. Because children learn what they’re taught by example and not what they’re told, like your biological father, you probably struggle with intimacy, esteem, identity, and more.  But how does all of this fit into your relationship with God?

                When we pray to God, we are actually thinking, “Dear heavenly version of my earthly father.”  We naturally transfer our experience with our biological father into our relationship with our heavenly father. As a result, we see Him through the same lens that we see our biological father.  So, God must be distant and unapproachable. “He must not love me,” or, “I’m not worthy of His love” and “He will abandon and reject me just like my dad did.”  If your father was an angry, physically abusive man and someone who expected perfection from you, you will likely see God as a taskmaster, ready to punish you for even the slightest offense, and you’re sure, even though you don’t know why, that He’s angry with you all of the time.  Issues like the ones I mentioned above make it pretty hard to develop and retain an intimate relationship with God where grace flows like a river, and love is unconditional. The truth be told, you believe other people can have relationships with God like that, but you’re simply not worthy of it.

                We all have legitimate needs that we need a father to fill. For one, we need to know we are loved unconditionally by him. We need to be heard and we need to know it is okay to exist; that we matter. Children need to be told they are special, unique and irreplaceable, and that there is a purpose and plan for their lives that only they can fill.  Without those affirmations the child grows up through life on auto pilot and eventually lands in a location called Emotionally Unknown; they don’t know who they are; how to relate to others; how to find and retain intimacy; and how to express their needs. So how can someone with such a wound begin healing?

                Depending on the severity of the wound, you may need to begin your healing with a professional, Christian therapist. At the same time, I would encourage them and others to begin a good study and workbook that specifically addresses father wounds.  Another avenue may be to find another Christian who can mentor you through a workbook on father wounds or find a conference who offers references and teaching on the topic.  Ultimately, when it comes to God, no matter which route you go, you will at some point come face-to-face with faith (belief + trust) and have to crawl up into His arms and onto His lap and let Him pour the healing Balm of Gilead over the wounds in your heart. No matter how much healing you get from counseling, mentorship, or a workbook, only God can do a complete healing. 

                Sometimes the healing of a wound hurts more than what caused the wound in the first place. Healing a father wound can feel like that, but you must continually remind yourself that God is not your earthly father, that He will never leave you or forsake you, that you are the apple of His eye, fearfully and wonderfully made, and sanctified, that is, set apart for a special purpose.  His love for you surpasses all understanding for every believer, but especially for those with father wounds.

                I would also encourage you to make time daily just for you and your heavenly father to talk to Him just like you’d talk to me. Begin by just talking about day-to-day things until you feel comfortable in sharing the pain in your heart. Learning to pray to what you feel in an unapproachable God takes time and effort, but out of all the treatments available, I guarantee it’s the most successful! If you need help in this area, contact me. It will be my pleasure to walk you through how to pray through a wound. I had severe father wounds growing up, however, today, spending time talking to my heavenly father is my favorite thing in the world to do. It will be that way for you too someday.

                In closing, I just want to say that your heavenly father loves you in a way your earthly father could never do. And because He loves you He is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil and rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Thankfully He is the same today as He was yesterday, and yesterday, the same as every day before that.  In the twenty years that I’ve known Him, he has never let me down. He’ll be the same for you, I promise – I give you my word.